You Can Have Sex With The Environment Now, Y’all.

According to this, there’s a place called the Ecosexual Bathhouse in Australia, which  is described as “an interactive performance labyrinth where visitors can push the boundaries between sexuality and ecology.”

Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to push those boundaries.  Amirite or amirite?

The whole set up is all thanks to performance art duo Pony Express (because of course!) and they’re mad about how mean everyone has been to the environment.  We’ve “f*cked the biosphere,” you see, and so they are taking that idea to its most disgusting conclusion.

Enter Ecosexual Bathhouse, located in Melbourne.  It’s described in the sourcelink in part as a place where visitors “can sink their arms into a composting glory hole, their expressions disguised by a mesh mask full of sprouting seeds that are being incubated by their breath.”

I’m not even making that up.

Thankfully, the “artists” apparently created this bathhouse to “humorously speculate on how sensual interaction with the environment may help secure the future of the planet. In their own words, ‘Sex sells, and if humans can learn to love the environment, maybe they can learn to preserve it.'”

The problem, of course, is that participants, or audience members, or whatever you want to call them, actually buy into this nonsense and treat it as a genuinely sexual experience.

The whole project’s premise rests on the idea of “ecosexuality” which means that the environment is treated as a sexual partner.  So the bathhouse provides its visitors a “safe place to really get in touch with nature.”

And I mean REALLY IN TOUCH.

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Here’s what happens when you visit the bathhouse.

You walk into a white lobby with a big skylight.  You’re asked by a maitre d’ to – and again, I’m not making this up – ASK FOR CONSENT from all of the different environmental species you find inside. And then you’re offered an “accessory.”

You’re probably wondering what that means.  Brace yourself.

An accessory, or “morph” as the bathhouse refers to it, is a biological process or sex toy.  For example, they offer a Squirter – which is a strap-on spray bottle that allows you to moisten plants or humans, or the Paw – which is a leather glove that renders your thumb non-functional.  You know, in case you like being the submissive in your relationship with the environment.

After you choose your accessory, you’ve got an opportunity to put on some perfume – a choice of scents like Bee, Dirt, and Musk.  Then you go inside the pollination chamber, where you’re able to put on a finger condom (again, not making this up) and then pollinate some orchids.  I don’t know how.  I don’t wanna know how.

After that, you’re welcomed into the Natural Resource room  – which is essentially a room of eco-porn.  There are books and magazines, along with a video that runs on a loop that shows time-lapse footage of plants growing.

You’re totally turned on right now, aren’t you.

It gets better.  There’s also video of people sexually interacting with the environment.  For example, a naked chick rolls around with a big flower and then it rains pollen all over her face.

And if all that wasn’t enough, you get to stick your arm into a bathtub of soil and worms, topped off by a nice bed of grass.

There’s a bunch of side shows in addition to the above described activities.  For example, if you chose the Paw accessory, there’s apparently some dominatrix person who will tie you to a rock, and drool all over you like she’s some sort of snake.  SO SEXY!

One of the Pony Express artists describes the experience this way:

 “We see the project positioned as a kind of bacchanal—think Caligula. Everything is crashing down around us, and our response is orgiastic decadence, rather than increasing austerity and self-containment. It’s about transgressing the boundaries of what humans are meant to do with their senses and other organisms.”

However satirical or tongue-in-cheek this “performance” is, the artists really do believe that ecosexuality is an Actual Thing.  They claim that they “maintain sincerely the idea that it is possible to receive erotic transmissions from the environment.”

And their evidence of that?  Here’s what they say: “Humans are erotically entangled and implicated in the environment in myriad ways. If pollen makes you sneeze, you’re an unwitting participant in a plant threesome.”

Pollen allergy = you’ve having sex with plants. Who knew?

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