2016 is almost, graciously, over. I’m ready for the new year, but I have to say– I hate starting the new year. I’m not trying to sound like Debbie Downer, but September through December is my absolute FAVORITE time of the year, and January just reminds me football’s almost over and the terrible, awful, suffocating Florida humidity is on its way again. However, I enjoy the feeling of a “clean slate,” and after 2016, we could all use one. We lost so many great people, and that election. GEEZ that election. (Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss covering the election shenanigans sometimes.)
Our favorite garbage progressive pop culture outlet, Cosmo, decided to make a list of the best feminist moments of 2016. Sure. Some of the moments listed aren’t terrible. One of the great moments listed was American women making history at the Olympics. Another was the U.S. Treasury announcing that Harriet Tubman will be the new face of the $20 bill.
That’s about it. Want to know the other “top” feminist moments of 2016, according to Cosmo? I’m listing them from least to most horrifying.
1. SARAH MCBRIDE MAKES HISTORY AS THE FIRST TRANS ACTIVIST TO SPEAK AT A MAJOR PARTY CONVENTION
She spoke at the DNC. That supposedly empowered me. Don’t ask me how.
2. BEYONCÉ PERFORMS “FORMATION” DURING THE SUPER BOWL (AND DROPS LEMONADE A FEW MONTHS LATER)
Bey paying homage to the Black Panthers? EMPOWERING. And who could forget her visual album? It’s a beautiful feminist story about a woman who finds out her husband cheated on her and she’s all “Who the f*** do you think I is? You ain’t married to no average b**** boy.” So she declares her independence but then realizes that maybe it’s her. She asks herself, ” Am I not thirsty enough?” Long story short, they reunite and they work things out “all night long.” Because EMPOWERMENT.
3. THE SUPREME COURT MAKES LANDMARK ABORTION RULING
Cosmo’s super proud of the Supreme Court, because it struck down a Texas law that required abortion providers to abide by surgical standards. Screw cleanliness and safety! Standards are for chumps and totally anti-women!
4. JILL SOLOWAY YELLS “TOPPLE THE PATRIARCHY” AT THE EMMYS
— Willow DV Center (@WillowDVCenter) October 2, 2016
Screaming about the patriarchy on stage makes Cosmo’s “best feminist moments” list. They actually believe that was significant moment in history.
5. HIJAB-WEARING MUSLIM WOMEN GO MAINSTREAM IN FASHION
And women who refuse to wear hijabs in the Middle East are threatened with death. But no biggie. Hijabs are SO EMPOWERING.
6. ANTI-TAMPON TAX LEGISLATION GAINS TRACTION
Feminists are really irritated that female hygiene products are taxed as luxury goods. Some states, like Illinois Connecticut, have ditched the taxes. (Odd. I never hear feminists complain about taxes unless it involves an object that relates to a vagina.)
7. MICHELLE OBAMA DELIVERS A ROUSING, EMOTIONAL SPEECH ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT
Remember when Michelle Obama gave a poignant speech against Donald Trump and the rape-y culture he apparently embraces (according to them)? And remember how she encouraged everyone to vote for Hillary, even though she’s married to a serial rapist? That was an empowering moment for women, according to Cosmo.
8. FEMINISTS EMBRACE THE “NASTY WOMAN” LABEL
— Joe Braxton (@JoeBraxtonTouch) October 20, 2016
Being a slutty, lying, irresponsible hosebeast who supported a “nasty woman” like Hillary? Badge of honor! In reality, this was the left’s attempt to own a negative label, the same way Trump supporters embraced “deplorables.” Their efforts didn’t work. Mostly because they really are nasty.
9. AMY SCHUMER BECOMES THE FIRST WOMAN ON FORBES’S HIGHEST-PAID COMEDIANS LIST
Ah yes. Amy Schumer being an overpaid skanky blowhard is HUGE for women everywhere. Doesn’t it make you feel so empowered?
10. HILLARY CLINTON MAKES HISTORY AS THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE OF A MAJOR PARTY
She also made history as the first (criminal) female presidential nominee to lose the general election. HERstory.
Speaking of other great feminist moments:
Does Cosmo really believe that those moments made women around the country feel proud? Anti-tampon tax legislation? Amy Schumer’s income? Abortions? Hijabs?
They really don’t understand women, do they?